My Personal Testimony & God's Plans
"I was sick and I couldn't get well."
The above sentence sums up my life on 3-10-06, the day I was arrested and jailed for 1st Degree Conspiracy to Distribute Heroin. It speaks volumes about who I was and what I had done.
Now, I have hope in Christ, and this hope does not disappoint. Hope had turned into an unknown word and a foreign concept for me. Years of addiction to opiates (in one form or another) had robbed me of hope and much more. Not only did I permit this to come about, I helped facilitate this.
Through my youth and into adulthood, I developed a very permissive nature concerning drugs and substance abuse. It was a learned behavior, reinforced by my choices both in life and in "friends" or associates. A sin problem was rampant and many were the "little foxes" that were spoiling my vine. As they ate, these "little foxes" became ravenous wolves; even stampeding elephants, at times.
As a child even, I convinced myself that I did not have an addiction problem. From the age of five I was taking Phenobarbital and codeine for migraine headaches which the medical technology of the day could not explain (though later in life a golf ball sized cyst was found to be the culprit and removed from my brainstem). This persisted for many years. Truly, I was an unwitting addict as a child.
The results of this were that later in life I was willing (especially after watching family members who also had addiction problems) to dabble in pot, alcohol, cocaine, Quaaludes and a myriad of other substances. None were "to my liking", so they merely added to my moral deficiency and decay.
Getting knocked off of a 40ft. ladder (and the subsequent surgeries to repair my wracked and broken body) began what was a downward spiral into a full blown addiction to pills. These pills were slow and insidious to take complete control, weaving their spell over a period of years. It gave Satan a foothold. This was a place where he could introduce many more, deadlier evils into my life. I'm sure it played a huge part in my divorce. It also contributed to my self-centeredness, anxiety and depression. I do not shift or shirk any responsibility for this. I allowed this in my life; in my children's lives. For this I am truly sorry.
The years of narcotic addiction for pains both physical and emotional (real and imagined on both counts) allowed me to justify a lot of addictive, illegal, immoral and evil behaviors. My "little foxes" names were "legion", for they were many. I had become someone I did not like, nor even recognize. Minute by minute and sin by sin, I bargained away all my morals. The pain pill addiction ran the gamut from Vicodin to Percocet, to morphine, to methadone, to Dilaudid, to Oxycontin. Once the strongest of these became ineffective (orally) and I needed these to merely function (what is known as a chronic maintenance user), I began to use the Oxycontin tablets IV (in my veins). At the end of this phase I was using 16 to 20 of the 40mg Oxycontin tablets IV, daily. Factors which included cost prohibitiveness, ineffectiveness and inaccessibility eventually made heroin the only real choice left for me to continue this downhill descent into Sheol and Abbadon.
The Mexican mafia sells what is known as "black tar" heroin. It is very crude, but also very pure (rarely cut upon). At first I became a loyal customer to these people; next a "friend". Eventually I found myself using my Spanish speaking, leadership and organizational skills to work for these very scary people. In fact, *I* was a very scary person, reflecting upon my actions and the life I chose to lead.
My "job" in this underworld was to go from city to city setting up new "shops" in which to sell heroin. I would establish an all new business and then hand over the reigns of a turn key operation to an "internal staffing group" from the same family for which I was working. I did this for three different families (one of which would still enjoy seeing me tortured and dead) in eight major cities: Columbus, Cleveland and Cincinnati OH; Indianapolis, IN; Louisville, KY; Charlotte, NC; Chicago, IL and Minneapolis/St. Paul MN. These were considered my "territory".
My stock and trade were the "5 D's": Drugs, Disease, Despair, Destruction and Death.
My currency: Flesh and bone.
Finally I achieved "independence" (with connections) here in the Twin Cities. My habit had grown to massive proportions. I was using 2 to 2 ½ grams ($500) of heroin daily, just to be "normal" (to avoid the debilitating and driving force of withdraw). I had overdosed many, many times (probably in excess of 40 or 50 times) in many places. Hotel and motel rooms, public restrooms of fast food restaurants and gas stations and even a five star restaurant; all of these saw me overdose. My (then) 15 year old daughter had to see me to the hospital on Christmas 2005, as Daddy had yet again overdosed. How glamorous.
I worked harder in this profession than I have in any other endeavor in my life; 6am to 10pm Monday through Saturday and 8am to 9pm on Sundays. Seven days a week, no days off, nor holidays. "Taking care" of my customers, my business and most important, my habit. I smuggled drugs in busses, airplanes, cars and by foot across many borders.
Many also were the evil deeds I watched and sometimes even perpetuated in this pursuit. I was directly connected to the suicide of a childhood friend. He blew his brains out right in front of my eyes, after he'd threatened to kill another friend and me. I was robbed at gunpoint three times in this business and chased by a carload of rival dealers who meant to torture and kill me. Once, after selling some bad dope to a customer, he returned and forced me to inject some of the same dope, using a dirty needle. Through this I contracted Hepatitis C.
By God's powerful and irresistible grace (no, I'm not a Calvinist (anymore)) I was finally busted. The police caught up to me at 5am in Burnsville, MN in a hotel room where I slept that week. I was thrown into the Dakota County jail along with the two Mexican young men (an ex-godfather's/patron's nephews) who were working for me. Our charge, as I stated at the beginning of this testament was 1st Degree Conspiracy to Distribute Heroin.
The first ten day of jail were pure hell due to the intense, cold turkey withdraw from a heroin addiction which saw a daily dose large enough to kill an African elephant. I had tried to quit on my own and with the help of detox centers (using AA, NA, etc.), to no avail. Now I was faced with a "forced quit". I was angry, desperate and I truly wanted to die. I did pray to God, Satan or anyone who would listen. This was my plea: Kill me. But Satan had used me to his maximum benefit and was through with me for the time being. God didn't grant me my death wish, but He did send a female deputy, an angel named "Shepherd" of all names with a Gideon's pocket bible.
The hymns in the front of this helped me maintain sanity through the worst of this. The other deputies made fun of me because I'd sing these out. I was also very sick and looked very funny, even scary. I had no control over my bodily functions. I'd puke without end which would start diarrhea coming out the other end. I'd sneeze, gag, sweat, freeze and shiver. Deputies took my clothes and bedding from me, as I could not refrain from soiling them. This left me on a cold hard concrete floor, with a wooden bench and a metal toilet for comfort for ten days. I felt sick and savage; I was reduced to living like and animal. I couldn't eat nor even comprehend much beyond the sickness. After these ten days, the worst past. However, it still took about two months for all signs of withdraw to subside.
I spent 6 months in that jail. I became a trustee there, and worked 18 hours a day translating Spanish for the same deputies that (rightfully) made fun of me, and cleaning the jail. I took responsibility for the crime (from the young men who were working for me, as well as my own (they were deported)). I knew it meant a mandatory 86 months in prison. But I also knew that God had done something for me which I could not (and at that point, would not) do for myself.
What ever time I had left, it was a gift from him and I'd do His will, and glorify Him in my actions, henceforth. He touched the judge's heart. The judge gave me a downward departure of sentence from the mandatory 86 months, to one year in a Christian treatment program called Minnesota Teen Challenge and ten years probation.
When I got to Teen Challenge, I found out I had contracted Hepatitis C, and my liver was failing. But God DOES restore the years the locust ate. I was recently tested again, and the viral load is now undetectable. My liver enzymes are back in normal parameters (previously, they were double what is considered "high") and I have veins reappearing which I had lost due to heroin use. I have been clean for 24 months. God IS restoring those locust years slowly, but surely. I graduated the Teen Challenge 1 year program on September 12th, 2007.
My 4th of July, 2007 break/pass was spent with my friend and mentor. His name is Don Bania Jr, and he is a quadripligic who does mouth art and motivational speaking. He also coordinates efforts for Joni Eareckson Tada at wheelsfortheworld.org. I was blessed to be his houseguest. I helped him with work and fellowship with him one on one, daily. I am privileged to call him my friend. Two years ago I was so self-centered that I wouldn't have been within ten miles of this blessing.
My children, though no longer young (now ages 18, 19, 22 and 24), still love me. This is amazing. Relationships that have been strained or non-existent for many years are being restored. I have been so very blessed since I started walking with the Lord.
I do owe Him so much. But He did it because He loves me. I'd do the same for my own children, if I were able. This is the best comparison my limited human mind can use to equate to this. He doesn't want atonement or payments for these blessings. He said I must love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.
So, as the bride said at her wedding:
So, as the bride said at her wedding:
"I do"
Post addendum:
I graduated the MN Teen Challenge Lifecare program on September 12th, 2007. As most of you know already, this is a one year faith-based program for people with addictions and life controlling behaviors. And NO, it's not just for teens. The philosophy is: "With Jesus at the center of your life, there's no more room for your self-centeredness. Ultimately, that very same self-centeredness is exactly what caused all the addictions and untoward behaviors in our lives."
At this I would like to also claim, proclaim and exclaim more of God's grace and blessings. Having mentioned my mentor and friend Don Bania, please recall that he is a quadriplegic. Due to my close contact with him, I was introduced to his PCA (personal care attendant/assistant), Stacey. She quickly became my friend, nothing more or nothing less.
Having to family in Minnesota, she'd often pick me up for my liberty passes on Saturday afternoons while I was in the Teen Challenge program and we'd spend time as friends doing things. Sometimes it would be something fun like bowling, a zoo, a movie or a park. Invariably, her children were with us (just in case anyone was wondering about accountability, which didn't really matter as we were no more or less than friends, remember?), and we usually looked for things to do they'd like. Also, we'd go shopping, I'd often cook us all a lunch or dinner (I like to cook), work on her house or just hang out. I showed her middle daughter some guitar and she picked it up very rapidly.
God knew what I needed more than I did. After I graduated the program we found that not only were we wonderful friends, but that we loved and cared for one another. We plan on being married Feb. 25th, 2008 in Ohio. I did not leave the school (TCTC TCMI) for this reason, but by not being there, this became a possibility and God worked this thing out as He saw fit. I am content!
God has told me (Genesis 50:20) that He will use for good that which Satan intended for evil. One of my favorite Pastors, Pastor Earl Gilchrist says that we were all soldiers and captains, even generals in Satan's army. He says that Satan poured a lot of resources, time and effort into our training, but now we have switched sides! God is going to use all the skills I learned in my madness.
In conclusion: I am excited by my prospects. God will see the good work which He began finished to its completion. He didn't save me from myself and Satan just to watch me self-destruct, again.
Bless you!
-Ed
e.yaekle@yahoo.com
www.myspace.com/ed_y
