Strange days, indeed. Most peculiar, mama.Yes, those are words from a John Lennon song (Nobody Told Me). Not one of my favorite people from a philosophical standpoint. However, those lyrics keep ringing in my head, today.
As you may recall, I recently had some heart troubles which required a procedure called an "ablation" ( http://www.ieee-virtual-museum.org/collection/event.php?id=3456995&lid=1 ). The doctors attempted to short circuit some misfiring circuits in my heart.
Well, they couldn't reach all of the misfires. Some were outside the heart, some in the upper chamber and right side, while they concentrated on the left ventricle. It was the "likely", from whence came the problems. Likely, but not all inclusive.
Since the ablation a few months ago (April, I think), there has been a significant worsening of my symptoms. Runaway VT (crazy, fluttering heartbeats), nausea, tiredness and more.
Finally, today, I got to see the cardiologist at the Minneapolis VA. He said my condition was rare but real. That they'd have to ablate (again) but from an outside angle, entering from a hole they make in my chest while I am under general anesthesia. For the latter, I am grateful! Being awake through the first ablation was torture!
Not only that, but they have to fly a specialist into Minneapolis from Los Angeles. They last time they did this kind of procedure was a year ago and they needed this surgeon then, too.
Well, it wasn't like I didn't expect or wasn't ready for this. I knew there were problems and they were increasing.
Here's something: I used to be an addict to narcotics, and doctors really didn't serve me well through all of that. I can't blame them 100% and I won't, but I have little faith in their capabilities (from past experience) and know firsthand how easily many of them can be "fooled" by a determined patient. Not that I want to do that, no. It just undermines my confidence in the medical profession.
This makes me uneasy to trust them and I find myself looking for reasons to avoid appointments, procedures and any contact beyond superficial with them.
First I'd like to ask you to pray for me. I'll need it.
Second I want to express my thankfulness and gratefulness that I have Stacey in my life. Without her, I would likely ignore this condition until (sooner than later, I fear) it killed me. I can become obstinate in making and keeping these appointments. Just today, when the doctor was an hour and 15 minutes late (and I had other things to do), I was ready to throw in the towel and go. If she hadn't been there supporting me, I would have left. Without doubt.
Many thanks to God for putting her in my life and path. Without her, I doubt whether I would have even known what was killing me and quite possibly already be in the grave. There are so many things that I want the chance to help with in life. I need to mend bridges I burned in addiction. I need to be a father, step father and husband; a brother, son and grandson; a friend. There are so many (now selfless) reasons to be here.
It reminds me of another song, this on by Jim Croce that says, "There never seems to be enough time, to do the things you want to do once you find them" (Time In A Bottle). Well, I have had a lot of them (the things I want to do) in my life for a long time and some of them are new but only now am I "finding" them. Knowing where my assurance lays is a great and wonderful gift. But knowing that I have to much to give back to so many (and much to a select few) finally, it is even more important.
Other things give me hope, too. I don't wish to put anyone on the spot or in the spotlight so I will be general. If they read this, they will know who they are: A simple kindness, word or contact from someone who has every right to hate me. The concern of a friend. Seeing the world from the eyes of a child, in wild wonder once again.
I thank God for each of these and more, too.
Thanks for listening.
Ed
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